3 Questions for Processing the Realities of Cross-Cultural Going + Sending

Packing. Purging. Throwing. Packing. Sorting. Shopping. + more Packing.

That has been our life over the past few weeks. Amidst the above chaos, we also attempted to love well, be present, live in the tension of a looming transition, not hold on too tightly to things + remain content. I didn’t do any of these things perfectly or even well but it was my aim to have a rich abiding in the Ld each day + remain joyful in this life-altering move.

In a helpful book I recently read, the author illustrated moving overseas using an analogy about play-dough.

          “Yellow represents your home culture and blue your host culture. Once you have gone to the field, you’ll never be completely yellow again because parts of you will change. But you’ll also never transition completely to blue and be an insider to your host culture.” Over time you begin to grow a bit of green. “If would be nice if one phase of life ended without heartache and the next phase fell effortlessly into place. No squashing. No bumps and bruising.” No pain.

–Amy Young, Looming Transitions 

But, both going and sending involve pain, sadness, and grief.

The night I said my “see-ya-laters” to most of my family, my dad gathered us all around a campfire to process together. He handed us each a sheet that included three questions for each of us to answer  (no matter if your role was a sender or sent-out one). After a few minutes of quietly scribbling our answers on paper with old middle school year books for “something hard to write on” –that wasn’t distracting at all!– we shared our hearts with each other. Included below are answers from different family members.

Question #1:  In what ways are you grieving?

• the normal times families usually gather, that we won’t be together for
• the experiences we will go through as individuals that other members of the family will miss out on
• the fact that there will always be goodbyes as long as some members live overseas
• the decision we made to say “yes” to our calling requires those in our inner circle to respond (it certainly isn’t easy to be a sender)
• the way it feels to hug your neck and be in person together

Question #2:  What fears or concerns do you have?

• I fear growing distant if a family member isn’t as vulnerable with me on FaceTime or doesn’t respond to calls
• I fear missing the deep movements of who we each become, due to being far apart
• FOMO: missing out on life (family weddings, nieces & nephews growing up, enduring the ups and downs together)

Question #3:  How can we grow through this + include each other?

• lift one another up (alone and one the phone)
• family FaceTime mini-reunions or dates where we all eat dinner/breakfast/ or whatever it is our time zone and chat together
• build each other up by calls, texts, & mail (when possible)
• realize that intentionality doesn’t happen by accident and make a point to love and communicate despite distance

Towards the end of the night, after tears were shed, hearts were shared, and laughs were embraced, it was finally time for s’mores. But my twin came right down and sat next to me which led to us melting into each others’ arms, ugly crying, and eventually laughing about how far we had come not only as sisters but friends.  I am learning to embrace all the feels– especially those that come with so many “see ya laters.” My sister reminded me that:

“If you wish to experience life to the fullest, your heart requires that you be willing to feel sadness. Sadness is the feeling that speaks to how much you value what is missed. The more you live an open-hearted life of fullness, the more you lose. Sadness gives the gift of valuing and honoring life.”

— Chip Dodd, The Voice of the Heart 

Processing the three questions as a family once again reminded me that going from yellow to green effects more than just the person moving to the blue. Every person in the inner circle plays a part in the sending and sacrifices a piece of themselves for it too.