Naptime Reflections about our little girl inside me with one functioning lung

33 weeks

It’s 1:35 in the afternoon on a Friday. I’m currently sitting in our little rental duplex with an almost 2-year-old soundly sleeping and a sweet and rowdy 3 and a half-year-old, having quiet time in our room. I closed the blinds because of the blindingly bright sunlight reflecting off the snow. I’m sipping my favorite homemade chai-spiced-kombucha, which brings back memories of afternoon chats with a dear friend when we lived overseas. Some days I can’t believe we’ve been back in the States for a year and a half already. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with a precious little girl who is moving inside me at this very moment. This is my first pregnancy where all of my care has been in the States. I loved leaving the 20 week ultrasound with a portrait and finding out the gender, something I never experienced with the pregnancies of my two boys. Pregnancy and birth are always unpredictable but this has been the first pregnancy with any major surprises or health concerns.

I’m thankful I know that God is more than enough — no matter the circumstance we find ourselves in.

Little Zoe’s heart is angled 70 degrees left, instead of the normal 45 degrees. That was the first indication at 22 weeks gestation. The day after Christmas, I got a fetal echocardiogram and that’s when more concerns about her heart and possible concerns with her left lung were brought up. I didn’t wear mascara that week. My emotions fluctuated and I never knew when I would need a good cry. As she grew, the main concern with her heart eventually resolved –praises! But doctors still weren’t seeing the same blood flow into the left lung as the right. It wasn’t until about a month ago that confirmation was finalized that her left lung is extremely underdeveloped- Left Pulmonary Hypoplasia. During a fetal MRI, the left lung capacity measured 1.8 ml and the right measured 33 ml! So, yes- pretty wild! Thankfully, her right lung IS healthy.

This week we had a five and a half hour appointment. Thankfully we were prepared for it to be long so it honestly didn’t feel that lengthy. We were happy that Zoe and I could be checked and to talk more about Zoe’s future and the delivery- something we had been waiting weeks for. At one point, I was with my husband, a super kind nurse coordinator and nurse practitioner. They were answering some of our questions and I was relieved that I should be able to hold her for 10-15 minutes after she’s born. Thinking about not being about to nurse her, be by her side continuously, or knowing that this isn’t something she will just “grow out of” still grieved my heart. Tears quietly rolled down my cheeks and I could tell everyone in the room felt the heaviness and was filled with compassion and care. I am glad to be at the regions best children’s hospital with the most kind and qualified people.

At the end of it all, we sat around a table with a neonatologist, fetal cardiologist, social worker, and nurse coordinator. They went over what Zoe’s heart looks like and what will happen after she is born. It was helpful to hear how for the first few hours we will all be together in one big room, separated by sliding doors. The doors will be open and I will be able to see her as she is checked and hooked up to monitors. They can put IV lines directly into the place where her umbilical cord was. She will most likely need a procedure of a shunt or stint connecting the left pulmonary artery to her lung but we won’t know for sure until she is here. Their prediction is that she could be in the NICU for up to a month. They don’t expect her left lung to grow that much more in the future but people can live long healthy lives with only one lung.

At the end of the meeting, the fetal cardiologist who happened to be the medical director of the fetal heart center at the hospital, said in her thick accent that she loved Zoe’s name. “Do you know what it means?” she asked. After I answered that it means “life,” I remembered that she is originally from Greece and attended medical school in Thessaloniki, Greece. She told us how Zoe’s name would be pronounced in Greek. It put a smile on our faces as we walked out of the integrated consultation (meeting), down the colorful halls, and past children of all ages with various needs.

I’ve been striving to cling to what is true (Phil 4:8), what I DO know- about her and God. What the facts are … not the “what-if’s” that can spiral us into a frenzy.

After the long appointment, we drove 5 minutes away to one of our favorite restaurants to get sushi in downtown KC. It was the perfect date to decompress and enjoy delicious food.

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Her name 🩷 Zoe Grace

Zoe ~ ~ ~ “life”

Greek ζωή·

zōē = “In the New Testament, “zóé” refers to life in its fullest sense, encompassing both physical and spiritual dimensions. It is often used to describe the eternal life that is granted through faith in Jesus Christ. This life is not merely an unending existence but a quality of life that is abundant and fulfilling, characterized by a relationship with God”

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the LIFE. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

John 14:6

Once I looked up the meaning, it was the perfect name for this tiny life–our little girl.

Grace ~ ~ ~ “undeserved favor from God” (also a family name of my great aunt)

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Verses that have been helpful to me lately (ESV)

Ps 16:8-11 I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Ps 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.

1 These 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Rom 11:33 Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!